My Name is Megan, and I'm a Control Freak

Today we had a meeting with the surgeon. Although I've fielded some suggestions, nothing quite conveys the sense of his personality and I'm still not really sure what to give him as a nickname. Oh well.

The whole point of today was to review the surgery, get me prepared, and I thought we were supposed to schedule the date. This last point is something I've really been hoping to accomplish. You see, recovery is going to take quite some time, and I'm a very busy lady. If I'm going to be out of commission for a month, I'd like to know exactly which month that will be. That didn't happen today, and I kind of got worked up about it.

Let's take a step back. About a month ago (give or take), I decided that I am going to have a bilateral mastectomy. Yes, I am going to have both of my boobs surgically removed. It wasn't an easy decision to make, especially for someone so notoriously bad at making decisions. I don't like making irreversible decisions, and this is one that I cannot take back once it's done.

Coming to this decision was different for me. I did lots of research and thought a lot about it, and I was getting nowhere. Everyone offered their opinion, and it was basically the same, but stewing about it wasn't helping. Then, I stopped thinking about it. Eventually I came to realize that "beating" cancer wasn't something that concerned me. People would say things like "I know you'll beat this," or "You're going to fight this," or whatever. And these words sounded strange to me (not that I mind people saying this - I appreciate the support and the vote of confidence!). But to me, there was never any question about whether or not I would "beat" it. At no point did I feel like I was going to die. The real question was, what was going to happen afterward? What would my life be like? Would it come back? When?

When I allowed myself to stop thinking about it and to start feeling about it, I knew that my primary focus was preventing this from ever happening again. And really, a bilateral mastectomy is the best way to do that. In addition, I have some pretty big concerns about getting lymphedema. If I got cancer in the other breast (and that's where it's most likely to come back, by the way...) there is a risk that I would have to have the lymph nodes removed in that arm, too. It's bad enough having it in one arm - I am immensely fearful of having it in both of my arms. And another thing... even though I had nearly a complete response to the chemo, my surgeon had concerns about other calcifications in my breast that would cause him to lean toward a mastectomy over a lumpectomy. Honestly, once I am losing one, it seems kind of strange to keep the other one, especially considering that it would be more likely to return in the opposite breast.

And you know what? I'm tired of thinking about it. I feel confident that one day, I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and get used to the results. I don't know if I could ever not think about cancer if I knew that I didn't do everything possible to prevent it from recurring. It's been 4 months already and I haven't stopped thinking about it for a single second of a single day. It's like a background process in my brain, and I'm tired of it.

So, anyway, I've also decided to have reconstruction. Since I'm going to have radiation, the reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as the mastectomy. However, my plastic surgeon will place tissue expanders in my chest after the demolition as part of the same surgery. It's pretty neat - my surgeon will begin by removing my left breast and lymph nodes, and then when he moves to the other side, my plastic surgeon will begin immediately on the left side, placing the tissue expander in.

After the surgery, I will have 4 drains coming out of my chest for 2-4 weeks (called Jackson-Pratt or JP drains). These drains are used to remove fluid from the body (lymphatic fluid, and other stuff I don't remember) and it's all part of the healing process. When the amount of fluid that comes out of the drains daily is less than a certain threshold, I can have them removed. While the drains are in, I won't be going to work, and I probably won't be interested in socializing much. I'm also not allowed to shower while the drains are in, so I don't think people will be wanting to socialize with me, either. I think we'll really make the most of our Netflix subscription during those few weeks.

During this time, there are some exercises that I have to do to prevent tightness in my chest. As I understand it, these exercises will also help prevent lymphedema, so I'm going to pay a lot of attention to these.

Everyone in the surgeon's office thinks that the hard part is over, but I'm getting grossed out just thinking about all this drain business. I'm really not looking forward to it, and I can certainly point to this as something I'd really want to go through only once in my life.

So, about the scheduling of this fiasco... When I made my decision a month ago, I wanted to make sure everyone involved was aware because originally I was very adamantly against a mastectomy. So, I notified the surgeon's office of my decision and told them that we needed to schedule the surgery and coordinate with the plastic surgeon. When I met with the surgeon today, he said "Yeah, we'll have to choose a date that we're both available, we'll have to find out what his schedule is". Both of them are going on vacation in August. Are you F'ing kidding me? You mean no one did that a MONTH ago when I SPECIFICALLY ASKED about this?

I truly felt like today was the drop-dead date for when I would find out about the scheduling of my surgery. I mean, I have a life to plan here. Yes, I would drop everything to have this done, but is it too much to ask to have everyone open up their planners and put something down in ink (oh, and BTW, let me know as soon as possible)??? Do these people schedule their vacations at the last minute? No. What could I have done to move this along a little better? Kidnap them and with their planners and arrange a friggin' conference?

When I pressed (because I am a control freak, after all), the surgeon threw out a date of September 10th, but that really depends on the plastic surgeon's schedule. I really wish it would be sooner, but I've given up trying to have any influence over this since it's clearly not working.

On the way home, as I was bitching and moaning about the whole situation, I said "These people have to understand that I'm a control freak, and maybe they realize I need to have that". Yeah, I know, it's kind of funny. My mom reminded me that maybe it's me that should change instead of the rest of the world. I dunno, I think it would be easier changing everyone else...