But 'round about 4:00 today I realized that I still didn't really know what was going to happen tomorrow. I know that at around 10:45 I will go to the same place I've been several times before and I will meet with my medical oncologist (Mr. Wizard). I will have some kind of an IV where they will put chemicals in my body to try to kill my cancer and some other cells will die, too. Other than that, I don't know much. So what did I do? I started Googling. That was a bad idea.
So, now I'm feeling kind of scared and sorry for myself, and I think today is the perfect time to write about why I feel lucky. I think it will make me feel a little better. So here goes.
- I'm lucky that I found it. Typically, even women with my kind of family history only have their first baseline mammogram at 30. I'm 27.
- I'm lucky that I am otherwise perfectly healthy. I eat well, I exercise, I have no other major illnesses or ailments.
- I'm lucky that I have a great job where I can work from home and my employer considers my health to be the most important thing I have to worry about. That was not always the case. Only two short months ago I was working at a completely different job where I was at the office 10-12 hours per day on most days (and I had to work "half days" on Saturdays) in a client-focussed position. Whoa. I would have had to quit if I was still there. A few months ago, something told me I should go back to engineering and I did. I consider that some kind of divine intervention. I really think this whole situation would be a total mess if I hadn't left finance.
- I'm lucky that I cut my hair. I used to have hair down past my waist. Ugh, that would have been so traumatic to lose. Now I'm losing about 10 inches of hair. Here's the irony - I have actually grown & cut my hair a few times, and I've donated it to "Locks of Love" 3 times. "Locks of Love" is an organization that makes wigs out of natural hair for children who have lost their hair during cancer treatment.
- I'm lucky that I have my copilots, Rusty and Mom. They have been with me through all of my appointments and tests. There's something so comforting about knowing that when I'm done with whatever it is, I can give them a big hug when I get out.
- I'm lucky that I have a nice park right down the street from my house. A few times a week, I go with Sarah and/or Rusty (and sometimes Alex!) to jog. It's so much more beautiful than jogging on a treadmill, and it's pretty peaceful and relaxing. Very therapeutic.
- I'm lucky that my family and friends and coworkers are right here with me every step of the way. I see my dad a couple of times a week. I get these supportive and helpful (sometimes embarrassing!) replies to my posts. I've gotten several thoughtful and inspiring gifts from friends and family that I know will be helpful along the way. Too many to enumerate, because then I'd forget one and alienate someone. ;-)
- I'm lucky that I have a great team of doctors in Worcester. Every treatment, every appointment, every doctor is just 10 minutes away (15 in rush hour traffic). That's going to mean a big difference when I have to get radiation 5 times a week.
I could go on and on. I really could. It's easy to think of all the bad things because they're so obvious, but the good things are the things we oftentimes take for granted. They're not obvious because we live them and feel them every day.
Well, anyway, I've got to go to bed. I'm tired and I've got a big day tomorrow. I will certainly update the blog tomorrow after my first treatment.
