Today I had my annual checkup with my oncological surgeon. I was going to refer to him by his nickname, but I went back and read my previous blogs and I realized I never gave him one! Anyway, I had my annual checkup with he who has no nickname today.
I've come to view these things as more of a nuisance than anything else. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't always that way. Until very recently, I couldn't go a day without thinking about cancer. And maybe these days I still can't go an entire day, but I really couldn't tell you.
Every day I get dressed and I look at my chest. Instead of looking at two disfigured, mutant lumps with scars across them, I see two shapely, sag-free breasts with nipples. I even think the redness of radiation has lightened up a lot over the last few months, and that surprises me (I thought it would be that way forever). There is no doubt in my mind that the quality of my skin and flesh after reconstruction has totally contributed to my emotional well-being after this whole ordeal.
Anyway, when I talked to my boss about how I'd be working from home today due to an appointment, I said "I've come to view cancer as a way for my doctors to collect a fee once a year from my insurance company for the next five years." And that's mostly true. Except for the hot flashes. Damn the hot flashes. I will always blame those on cancer...
My appointment today started uneventfully. They asked the standard questions, took the standard measurements, and then my surgeon did an exam. He didn't really even remember who I was at the beginning of the appointment. That was a little off-putting. I mean, who wouldn't remember me?! Also, during my appointment he was paged for a surgery that he had right after my exam. He seemed annoyed about the page and told them he'd be there soon.
During the exam, he mentioned that the left side seemed bigger than the other side and not as soft. He thought I should tell my plastic surgeon about it. Honestly, that's the first time anyone has said anything negative about the reconstruction and it kind of pissed me off. The tissue is radiated! My plastic surgeon can't work miracles! I've heard surgeons describe radiated tissue as "beef jerky". All things considered, I'm really happy with the left side, it doesn't feel like jerky, and I feel my oncological surgeon was being sour grapes because he was in a bad mood that he had been paged regarding the surgery - it turns out it was a surgery with my plastic surgeon.
"He's a perfectionist," he said.
Yeah, I know. So why is it again that you think my left boob isn't perfect?!
After all that, at the end of the appointment, he proclaimed, "Well, I'm done."
"Do you mean for today, or forever?" I said.
"Well, there's no need for me to see you any more," he said. "If you find any lumps,..." and I didn't really pay much attention to what he said after that. That sort of put all the annoyance, off-putting, and pissed-offedness in perspective. I'm done. I was kind of amazed to find out that I don't have to go through this crap once every year for the next 3 years with my surgeon. It's refreshing! I kind of feel like I get that one little slice of my life back - I've graduated.
I'm being well cared-for, no doubt. I see my oncologist every 3 months. And I like that. He remembers my name, he knows I like the Red Sox and he knows I'm a software engineer. He asks how my mom is doing, and he tells Rusty that he's happy to see him there. He tailors my treatment plan to my age, my type of cancer, my level of risk, and he knows I friggin' hate hot flashes. He spends 15-20 minutes with me every time I see him and makes me feel good. And most of all, he thinks my breasts look amazing. BOTH of them.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Anniversary
Today is an anniversary. It's the 2 year anniversary of my diagnosis. I'll never forget that day. It was early in the morning when my doctor's office called me and told me they wanted to have me come in to discuss the results of my biopsy. It scared the hell out of me, but while I waited until it was time to leave for my appointment I did a lot of googling and convinced myself that I couldn't possibly have cancer - the statistics were on my side!
Two years later, after 3 surgeries, months of chemo, and weeks of radiation, it almost seems like it never happened. That is, until today. I'm having a bad boob day. I rushed out of the house this morning and didn't notice (until I got to work, of course) that the combination of my bra and my shirt and my boobs looks awful! I have to wear padded bras because my nipples would always show otherwise. But a padded bra has a lot of structure to it and the shape of my breasts doesn't completely fill out the bra, so there's a void that kind of gets crushed. If I wear the wrong shirt, you can totally see where the part of my bra is a little distorted. I tried taking my bra off, but now I can see my nipples. It's kind of funny, but a little annoying. I have learned my lesson about looking in a full-length mirror before leaving the house for the day.
I also have another important anniversary coming up. On Monday it is my and Rusty's fifth wedding anniversary. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in life, and I look forward to many more years with my love.
Two years later, after 3 surgeries, months of chemo, and weeks of radiation, it almost seems like it never happened. That is, until today. I'm having a bad boob day. I rushed out of the house this morning and didn't notice (until I got to work, of course) that the combination of my bra and my shirt and my boobs looks awful! I have to wear padded bras because my nipples would always show otherwise. But a padded bra has a lot of structure to it and the shape of my breasts doesn't completely fill out the bra, so there's a void that kind of gets crushed. If I wear the wrong shirt, you can totally see where the part of my bra is a little distorted. I tried taking my bra off, but now I can see my nipples. It's kind of funny, but a little annoying. I have learned my lesson about looking in a full-length mirror before leaving the house for the day.
I also have another important anniversary coming up. On Monday it is my and Rusty's fifth wedding anniversary. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in life, and I look forward to many more years with my love.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Great Unveiling
The Gauze Nightmare is over.
Today I went to see my plastic surgeon for a followup, and for him to remove the lovely padded bra I've been sporting for the last week. It started with him opening up the front velcro closure of the gauze bra. Immediately I felt a sense of relief and less compressed. It wasn't like a tourniquet or anything, but it was definitely putting pressure on my skin, not to mention the irritation.
Once the bra and associated gauze were removed, I could see that there were, indeed, gauze pasties that were stitched to my skin. He began snipping away the gauze and I could feel the scissors on my skin (a good thing!). He was very happy with the healthiness of the skin and he said that it looked great. From a layperson's viewpoint, it looks kind of bruised and it's obvious that it's not completely healed, but he's mostly concerned about whether or not the skin graft has taken. He said it was about 99% healthy. I'm gonna go ahead and assume 100% doesn't really happen. Don't ruin it for me.
There are some dissolving stitches where the graft is stitched to my skin, and the whole circle is kind of indented, but I expect that to even out over time. I can shower again (yay!) and for the next week I just have to keep the area most and covered with these neon yellow strips after I shower. So, I still have to wear the gauze bra, but at least it's not stuffed with more gauze!
They completely removed the steri-strips from my inner thigh, and that area is feeling pretty good. There is definitely some subcutaneous "toughness" that I assume is scar tissue. I hope that gets better because right now I don't feel like I can run or do yoga. I'm sure it will improve, I guess it's just a matter of when.
I'll see him again in 6 weeks. For the time being, I have to still be careful to avoid trauma to the area, I have to keep it clean, then dry, then moistened so that the skin graft heals properly. The stitches will eventually dissolve, and it will look fabulous :-) During the surgery he also removed a bit of a dog ear on one side, and it looks SO much better. I am so happy with how it looks now, and I can only imagine that it will look better as time goes on. Well worth it!
Today I went to see my plastic surgeon for a followup, and for him to remove the lovely padded bra I've been sporting for the last week. It started with him opening up the front velcro closure of the gauze bra. Immediately I felt a sense of relief and less compressed. It wasn't like a tourniquet or anything, but it was definitely putting pressure on my skin, not to mention the irritation.
Once the bra and associated gauze were removed, I could see that there were, indeed, gauze pasties that were stitched to my skin. He began snipping away the gauze and I could feel the scissors on my skin (a good thing!). He was very happy with the healthiness of the skin and he said that it looked great. From a layperson's viewpoint, it looks kind of bruised and it's obvious that it's not completely healed, but he's mostly concerned about whether or not the skin graft has taken. He said it was about 99% healthy. I'm gonna go ahead and assume 100% doesn't really happen. Don't ruin it for me.
There are some dissolving stitches where the graft is stitched to my skin, and the whole circle is kind of indented, but I expect that to even out over time. I can shower again (yay!) and for the next week I just have to keep the area most and covered with these neon yellow strips after I shower. So, I still have to wear the gauze bra, but at least it's not stuffed with more gauze!
They completely removed the steri-strips from my inner thigh, and that area is feeling pretty good. There is definitely some subcutaneous "toughness" that I assume is scar tissue. I hope that gets better because right now I don't feel like I can run or do yoga. I'm sure it will improve, I guess it's just a matter of when.
I'll see him again in 6 weeks. For the time being, I have to still be careful to avoid trauma to the area, I have to keep it clean, then dry, then moistened so that the skin graft heals properly. The stitches will eventually dissolve, and it will look fabulous :-) During the surgery he also removed a bit of a dog ear on one side, and it looks SO much better. I am so happy with how it looks now, and I can only imagine that it will look better as time goes on. Well worth it!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Captain's Log
Day 4 from the couch.
The native is getting restless. It's been several days since I've left the house, aside from my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I haven't showered since Monday morning, though I did wash my hair yesterday and took a sponge bath.
I've mostly been sitting on the couch, since I can't do much physical activity. I have to make sure my chest is well protected and doesn't get bumped or pushed, and I can't move my legs too much or else the stitches will pull. I've been working from home (and eating) during the day and knitting at night. It's so hard to just sit at home all day with nothing to do. I am so looking forward to going back to work!
It's so ironic that I'm doing all this to feel better about myself and how I look in the mirror, and right now I look like a tragedy!
I don't mean to complain. I know this is all part of the process, but it's so odd to feel so good and be able to do so little. I can't wait until I am back to life and yoga.
The native is getting restless. It's been several days since I've left the house, aside from my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I haven't showered since Monday morning, though I did wash my hair yesterday and took a sponge bath.
I've mostly been sitting on the couch, since I can't do much physical activity. I have to make sure my chest is well protected and doesn't get bumped or pushed, and I can't move my legs too much or else the stitches will pull. I've been working from home (and eating) during the day and knitting at night. It's so hard to just sit at home all day with nothing to do. I am so looking forward to going back to work!
It's so ironic that I'm doing all this to feel better about myself and how I look in the mirror, and right now I look like a tragedy!
I don't mean to complain. I know this is all part of the process, but it's so odd to feel so good and be able to do so little. I can't wait until I am back to life and yoga.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Post-Op #1
I had my first post-op appointment with the plastic surgeon today. Things look good. The donor site is healing pretty well, and I got a sneak peak underneath my bandages (though there wasn't really much to see).
My chest is currently covered with lots of gauze, held in place by a lovely netted bra. It has a velcro closure in the front, and there was a piece of the hook-and-loop that was scratching my skin until I covered it with medical tape. The doctor pulled away the gauze this morning to reveal what Rusty called "pasties" that are basically stuck to the grafted skin to protect it. That's really all I saw, but I could tell that the skin around the stitches was very healthy and not the slightest bit red, which is good. I expect that the surgeon will finally remove the gauze nightmare at my next follow-up, though the grafts will still be pretty sensitive.
The donor site (aka my inner thigh) is understandably a little messier. It's kind of hard to avoid moving my legs. During the surgery, they basically cut round "full-thickness" pieces of skin from my inner thigh (to graft onto my chest) and sewed the holes shut. They placed steri-strips over the incisions (steri-srips are basically surgical tape) and I have to keep the area clean and dry without touching it too much. Sounds like fun, huh? :-)
So, for the next several days I'll still be sans shower (even MORE fun) and just trying to take it easy... not walking much, not lifting much, etc. At least they haven't restricted me from knitting.
My chest is currently covered with lots of gauze, held in place by a lovely netted bra. It has a velcro closure in the front, and there was a piece of the hook-and-loop that was scratching my skin until I covered it with medical tape. The doctor pulled away the gauze this morning to reveal what Rusty called "pasties" that are basically stuck to the grafted skin to protect it. That's really all I saw, but I could tell that the skin around the stitches was very healthy and not the slightest bit red, which is good. I expect that the surgeon will finally remove the gauze nightmare at my next follow-up, though the grafts will still be pretty sensitive.
The donor site (aka my inner thigh) is understandably a little messier. It's kind of hard to avoid moving my legs. During the surgery, they basically cut round "full-thickness" pieces of skin from my inner thigh (to graft onto my chest) and sewed the holes shut. They placed steri-strips over the incisions (steri-srips are basically surgical tape) and I have to keep the area clean and dry without touching it too much. Sounds like fun, huh? :-)
So, for the next several days I'll still be sans shower (even MORE fun) and just trying to take it easy... not walking much, not lifting much, etc. At least they haven't restricted me from knitting.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I'm home!
Sorry to all of you feed readers out there... I accidentally created a blank "I'm Home" post. Here's the real one.
So, I am home from surgery. Things were running a little late at the hospital, but I was running a little early! I woke up out of anesthesia very quickly and I went home shortly afterward. The pain isn't too bad so far. I just feels like someone took sandpaper to my boobs, but that could actually be considered an improvement on the left side, considering I haven't felt much on that side since the mastectomy :-)
I have my first post-op appointment with the plastic surgeon on Wednesday. Originally, it was going to be Monday, but after the surgery they said they wanted me to come in on Wednesday. Not sure why, but I think maybe they just want to monitor the donor site.
After we left the hospital we made a quick stop to Chipotle. All day without dinner - I needed a burrito, STAT. It was soooooo delicious. And I didn't even feel bad about it because I haven't eaten all day.
Anyway, thanks everyone for the well wishes, the happy thoughts, the prayers, and the warm feelings. I will keep you posted in the days ahead.
So, I am home from surgery. Things were running a little late at the hospital, but I was running a little early! I woke up out of anesthesia very quickly and I went home shortly afterward. The pain isn't too bad so far. I just feels like someone took sandpaper to my boobs, but that could actually be considered an improvement on the left side, considering I haven't felt much on that side since the mastectomy :-)
I have my first post-op appointment with the plastic surgeon on Wednesday. Originally, it was going to be Monday, but after the surgery they said they wanted me to come in on Wednesday. Not sure why, but I think maybe they just want to monitor the donor site.
After we left the hospital we made a quick stop to Chipotle. All day without dinner - I needed a burrito, STAT. It was soooooo delicious. And I didn't even feel bad about it because I haven't eaten all day.
Anyway, thanks everyone for the well wishes, the happy thoughts, the prayers, and the warm feelings. I will keep you posted in the days ahead.
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